What if I don’t want to Lean In?

I admit. I did it. I read the book by Sheryl Sandburg*. I totally leaned in. I gave everything to my career. I worked the insane hours. I put up with the piles of crap. I smiled and nodded at the toxic board while I went on my way to serve the mission. I made it to the C-Suite. I led the charge.

And then, something changed. The working the long hours, the toxicity, the never not being the ED began to take a toll. A recent McKinsey report on women in the workplace recently showed that women are leaving their companies at the highest rate in years. There are several reasons for this, lack of advancement opportunities, being overworked and underrecongized, or looking for a different culture. For me, it was definitely the culture and the desire to use my brain for other things. I went from being the CEO of a smaller, stand-alone charity to more middle management. I am still an executive director but I work for a much larger organization. I now no longer need to worry about IT, the building alarm going off at 3:00 am, or making sure the bathrooms are cleaned. There is a team of very competent senior leaders who get that responsibility. I do my part to ensure our company’s success but at this point in my life, I like where I am. I work in an open and inclusive culture with hardworking people and a good board who is striving to make an impact. Does that mean I am selling out on the whole Lean In thing because I am not back in the C-Suite? I do not think so. I am just leaning in-ish.

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine as she is looking at two different jobs. One is the executive director for a charity and the other is the VP in a for-profit organization. The VP role would be a step back from where she currently is but it would be for more money. She wondered the same thing. Having been in the C-Suite, is it a negative to take a lesser title? My response – no and who cares! They want to pay you more for less stress. Sounds like a win to me!

She is not the only one who either is considering or has taken a step back for a more meaningful life and less stress. I have several friends who are former executive directors that have all taken less roles and love it. They do not have to worry about all the things they used to worry about, especially the board. Not having to manage and report to a board has made all of their lives better (Mmmm, I wonder why that would be…). This does not make their contribution to the organizations any less. If anything, it enriches it because they are able to give their perspective to the boss woman and are now a trusted ally. They know what it is like in the trench and how to navigate through it.

The Washington Post’s December 14, 2022, article about quiet thriving illuminates this point. COVID was disruptive in many ways but maybe the most has been on our relationship to work. If you were in a role that allowed you to work from home, suddenly you found yourself with more time. Time for hobbies. Time for family. Time for pets. Just time. You were not commuting 2+ hours a day. You were not hanging out with work friends because you were all there working late. You suddenly had that work life balance that you were promised. You had an opportunity to pause and re-calibrate. It took a pandemic to open our eyes and really see.

For women leaders who are re-evaluating though, is it possible to lean in-ish and still get your seat at the table? I believe so. You just may not want to fight so hard for it. You may have reached a point in your life where other things start to matter more. As my dear friend says, work will not love you back. So what can you do to ensure that where you are is where you want to be?

1) Identify your tolerations and boundaries: I know I feel like I keep saying the same thing here but before you can say what you want you have to be able to articulate what you do not. I will not work with a toxic board again. I also will not work in a super small organization again. One bad apple and the whole place can become a nightmare. I have boundaries on who I interact with after hours. I also now put my own mental health first. I take the breaks I need. I enjoy my job, which is something I have not always been able to say. What are your tolerations than with work? What stresses do you not want? What are your boundaries? List them out. Talk about them. Be honest with yourself.

2) Set your purpose: What do you really want? Is it the title and the responsibility? Then absolutely go for it. You have worked super hard to get where you are and you should take that opportunity when it arrives. If your purpose is something else, then be clear on what that is. This again goes to living in your integrity. No one gets to tell you what you should be doing. Only you know what feels right to you. Your job and career are not your identity but they are a big part of what makes you sleep well at night. Work will not love you back (I feel if I say this enough it will sink in soon) so you need to do what makes sense for you. What are your personal intentions? How are you ensuring you remain in alignment with your integrity, who you are, what makes you sleep at night?

3) Let go of your ego: There is nothing wrong with taking a step back. You are not a bad feminist if you want to a lesser role. You do not always need to move upward. Lateral moves are great. Our egos are powerful forces. They suck you into doing things that your more instinctual side may not want to. It feeds our narcissism to be at the center or considered the most skilled. It is not always healthy though. So when you reach that stage where you are ready to step back your ego can get in the way. Do not let it. Embrace the side of you that wants a different type of more than the upward mobility more.

Women executive who have clawed their way up to the top, can find it difficult to let go. You reached a point though when it is not the dream you thought it would be. And that is totally ok. It does not make you a bad woman to not always want to be in the room where it is happening. You are strong and powerful and do not need to do what others say you should. You remain true to you and you will find which path is right for you, whether that is up, to the side, or down.

*Note: Lean In does have criticisms with its message. It is geared to a level of privilege and power most women do not have. It also focuses on you working within the confines of the power structure instead of reworking that dynamic. It was of a place and time but it is worth reading to help see the internalized sexism that we more seasoned leaders dealt with.

Photo: KJWeis Photos, 2011